Why Is It So Hard to Meditate?

Well, it’s about that time of the year when those fresh and shiny New Year’s resolutions begin to fade and fail. Maybe some of yours included exercising more, practicing gratitude every morning … and meditating.

If practicing meditation/mindfulness made it onto your 2022 goals list (I'm not a fan of resolutions but I am a big advocate for goal-setting), chances are you’ve tried it in the past and it’s helped. Either that or you’ve read about the many mental and physical health benefits of meditating and you’re intrigued: Why notbring something into your life that can help with basically everything? The point is, you know it’s good for you—and yet, you have such a hard time practicing it. You are not alone. A lot of people (myself at times included) feel this way. Why is that?

Mindfulness and meditation have been much talked about and studied concepts in the Western world for several decades now. There has been fascinating research on the multifaceted benefits of meditating—from helping people cope with chronic pain and illness to helping individuals manage anxiety or depression and improve focus, attention, and efficiency (among many more benefits). At this point, most of us are, if not acutely, at least somewhat aware of the benefits of meditating. 

While there are studies that show that there has been an increase in the number of people who say they have meditated (in results published in 2017, the Center for Health Statistics found that the number of people who had meditated in the last year increased from 4.1% in 2012 to 14.2% in 2017), statistics for how many people maintain a regular meditation practice are harder to come by.

Anecdotally, speaking from my own experience and that of my colleagues and fellow meditators, having and sticking to a regular meditation practice is more than a bit of a challenge. I know since I started meditating in 2014, I have had times where I had a regular practice and where I fell away from consistent practice, despite me fully knowing and having experienced firsthand its benefit on my well-being. 

So here comes the conundrum. We know it’s good for us. Science corroborates. We may have even felt the benefit of meditating in our own lives (I know I have in a very big way). Why, then, aren’t more of us meditating regularly? Why do we find it so hard and what can we do to address those barriers? 

I recently polled my Instagram followers, asking them if they have a regular meditation practice and what gets in their way of practicing. In response, 37% said they did have a regular practice, which is higher than I expected. There were a lot of responses—many of them repeated by several people—as to what is acting as a barrier. Here is a sampling of what people said gets in their way of meditating: “anxiety, impatience, life, to-do list, it just doesn’t work for me, lack of time, falling asleep, all the thoughts of things undone.”

Why are we having such a hard time doing something shown to be so good for us? And how can we address those barriers to get our tushy on the cushy, so to speak.

1. Meditating is hard

Sitting with ourselves without distraction is not an easy task, especially for those of us dealing with physical or emotional pain (which, when taken together, is a significant proportion of the population). It takes bravery to meditate. Sitting for meditation involves a willingness to be present for the emotional pain that may surface- difficult thoughts, beliefs, memories, as well as noticing, with far fewer distractions, any physical pain that may be present. 

The antidote? Mental preparation and an underpinning of gentleness with ourselves. Mentally preparing ourselves in advance that meditating can and often does feel quite hard may be what helps us overcome this barrier. If we set up realistic expectations ahead of time—that meditating isn’t meant to be a conduit to relaxation or sleep, but is actually hard work—we may be more likely to create a sustainable practice. We do this when we want to attack other hard or taxing projects, such as exercising or preparing for a big work project. We don’t tell ourselves that we are about to levitate and relax. Rather, we gear up for the sustained effort.

Similarly, we've got to do this to set up realistic ideas of meditation, but always with gentleness as a cushion. Remind yourself that you don’t need to formally sit to meditate, and it doesn’t have to be for long. You can bring mindfulness to literally anything and everything you are already doing- by participating in a different, more present kind of way. Try using the word “mindfulness” if the word “meditation” feels too daunting or repelling.

Part of the gentle mental preparation is reassuring yourself and giving yourself permission to take care of yourself should anything too painful surface. Remind yourself that you will not be rigid with yourself (this will inevitably act as a barrier towards meditating). While there is little right or wrong in meditating (it's not prescribed in that way), acting with self-compassion is always right. 

2. Competing demands on your time

We have many competing demands on our time that, if we're honest with ourselves, are way more enticing. For those of us who have meditated, inevitably, during our practice, we will find ourselves immersed in all the thoughts of what we must get done as soon as we’re done practicing. The laundry, booking that getaway, and returning those emails are just a few examples of the to-do list that popped up for me just this morning. This can be a frustrating experience, sitting and feeling like we are doing nothing as we acknowledge how much is waiting for us.

In an increasingly busy life, justifying and allowing ourselves to take precious time to sit and be and not do can act as a barrier. Not only that but contrary to many popular ideas about meditation leading us to enlightenment, sometimes it can be incredibly boring. Though I can have interesting insights while I’m meditating, I often find myself wondering, “When will this damn meditation be over?” at least once per meditation session (even the short ones), followed by a relieved mental “hallelujah!” when the timer goes off. 

So what’s the antidote?

Read about the benefits of meditating. Connect to podcasts or science journals that discuss its many benefits (I do both). I know when I listen to my favorite podcast, the 10% Happier Podcast, on a more regular basis, hearing about all the interesting and scientific benefits of meditating, I am definitely more likely to meditate.

3. Lots of misinformation

They are still out there all around us—the numerous falsehoods that exist about meditating. Here are a few that I often hear: I’m not the meditating type. I can’t meditate because I have ADHD. I just don’t have the time. I can’t sit for that long. You name it, the false belief is out there. You may have even had these thoughts yourself at some time or another. 

As a fix, not that anything is a quick fix but to give you accurate information about meditation, let me debunk some of them for you: Anyone can meditate. For any period of time. You don’t have to sit, and you can practice informally as well as formally. You can practice mindfulness as you are kneading the dough for the bread or going for a walk. Though the best way is to find a balance between formal meditation and informal meditation, they are both valid and helpful ways to meditate. 

When we pay attention to what is holding us back, we are more likely to move forward. Read that sentence one more time and let it sink in. We can apply this not just to meditation, but to anything. But that's a post for another time. 

Pause here for a second and ask yourself: Why are you having a hard time with a consistent practice? And what can you do about it? This isn’t to say meditation is for everyone or you need to meditate. But it may very well be worthwhile to spend a moment pondering—meditating, if you will—about what is getting in your way. And what will you do to address those barriers? 

5 Ways to Manage the Waiting Game

I think it’s safe to say that we all know what the feeling of waiting for an outcome feels like, and it can be quite uncomfortable. Whether we’re waiting for test results, election results, or if there will be a next date, the feelings that waiting induces can often be excruciating.

There are certainly important differences in these varying wait-able scenarios, including the degree of control we have over the outcome and what else is going on in our lives at the moment. Nonetheless, regardless of the specifics, waiting carries with it a host of difficult feelings such as uncertainty, anxiety, worry, and impatience. Waiting for possible good news or bad news can feel draining and exhausting, as we sit in the space of not knowing.

Why is having to wait for news so difficult?

One reason why waiting can be so hard is that often the outcome of whatever we are waiting for determines our next steps. If we get the answers we are hoping for we celebrate and keep moving forward. If we receive news that is unwelcome and not what we had wanted, we process the loss and disappointment and reroute.

With knowing comes the possibility of movement. And with not knowing, we feel stuck- as if life is on pause. In fact, in one study, participants displayed higher levels of anxiety while waiting for a result than after they received the bad news. It's similar to the game of Life: While we keep on rolling, we’re either moving forwards or backward. Regardless of the direction, we’re moving. When we can’t roll, we don’t know what our next steps should be. We are stuck on our square until we find out how many spaces we should go and where we are going—even if where we are going is in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go.

Thus, having to wait is hard for practical reasons. Often there are changes we need to make depending on the outcome: Will I need to apply for another job or school? Take the test again? Have to move? Begin medical treatment? Start over in some capacity? Our life hangs in limbo in many ways whilst we wait.

Waiting is also hard because people crave certainty. The need to know is adaptive and built into our drive to survive. It’s part of our more primitive wiring. If we know what to expect, we can adequately prepare for it, and most likely get by okay. If we are uncertain about what’s to come, we are less likely to thrive, let alone survive. So wanting certainty is built into our blood and bones.

A bit of self-disclosure here: Both my husband and I have degrees in which we have to complete national and state licensing exams before we can practice. I studied for months before my exam, was filled with anxiety and trepidation before I went to take it, and had to wait a couple of weeks before I found out if I passed it or not. (I did!) My husband, on the other hand, spent months preparing for his exam which was spread over two days and then had to wait four months for his results. The months after he took his exam were difficult for many reasons: the emotional toll of not knowing if he would have to go through that draining experience again, as well as several practical uncertainties: Would we be able to move? Would he be able to find a job? And all the financial considerations that came along with that.

We both had to wait. My wait was much shorter, and, hence, less tolling. His was longer and therefore decidedly more uncomfortable — for the both of us.

With all this said, how can we wait with equanimity? As it is an inevitability of life—a part of the equation of living and pursuing goals—what are some things we may want to try doing when we find ourselves in the uncomfortable realm of waiting on someone (or something) else’s timeline? How can we play the waiting game without it taking too much of an emotional toll?

1. Meditate. Finding a form of meditation that speaks to you can be helpful in offsetting the stress of not knowing. In one study, researchers found that minimal practicing of mindfulness meditation (as little as 15 minutes once a week) was helpful in abating the stress of waiting. In this study, researchers looked at 150 law students in California who were awaiting the results of the bar exam. This process can be incredibly stressful and includes a four-month waiting period after the test to find out if you passed. Students who practiced mindfulness meditation at least 15 minutes once a week held off on “bracing"—preparing themselves for the worst-case scenario—and displayed more optimism. Increased optimism while we are waiting for important news decreases our stress. 

2. Do things that induce your flow experience. Activities that are immersive and require your complete focus help you achieve a flow state. Being in your flow can be calming, grounding, and rewarding. It also helps us remember that life goes on, even as we wait. There is food to cook, essays to write, and art to make. The waiting is there, and so are these other powerful experiences that remind us that there is more to life than the news we are waiting on. Getting lost in an immersive experience can be helpful in retaining this awareness and do wonders to shift your mind out of the worry of what will be.

3. Create awe-inducing experiences. In a study at the University of California, researchers discovered that participants exposed to an awe-inspiring video (a high-resolution video of a sunset) were significantly better able to tolerate the uncertainty of waiting for test results than participants who watched either a neutral video or a cute video of animals. These researchers concluded that inducing the feeling of awe can help us when we find ourselves waiting. How can you translate this into your life? Maybe it’s going for a walk at sunset, or taking a close look at all the details in just one leaf, or reflecting on how miraculous it is that our bodies work just-so?

There is the capacity to find awe all around us. I often find it in nature. Even just watching a giant old tree dance in the wind can trigger feelings of awe.

4. Limit how often you check your phone or email for an answer. Constant checking is draining, and when we fall into habitual checking, it becomes a vicious cycle of checking, disappointment, and more checking, as every time we check holds the promise of some news. Check your email on a schedule. Set boundaries around where you check. One idea might be to only check your email on your computer, not your phone. Setting such a limit can be a helpful fence in limiting the number of times you check.

5. Make a list of affirmations. Jot down some words that help with increasing hope and a belief in a positive outcome. Say them out loud, then record yourself saying them, and watch your video as a reminder. This can help hedge off worry and keep you feeling optimistic. A personal favorite of mine is “Good things are coming my way.” This affirmation is equal parts hopeful and vague…while I’m not entirely sure what that good thing is, I know it’s coming. And there is a truth to that. After all, good things are always coming our way…if only we’re ready and open to seeing them. It might not be in the outcome I thought, but good things are always finding us, if only we are looking. 

Supporting Your Teen's Mental Health

It's not an easy time to be a teen. Seven tips to help you support your teen.

As a clinical psychologist with a specialty in working with teenagers, I can tell you from my own observations and reading, many of today’s teens are struggling with their mental health.

Over the last several months, I have witnessed an increase in anxiety and depression amongst many of the teens I treat. Much of the increase in the troubling symptoms I’m seeing are related to the side effects of living through a pandemic. While adults have the core, predictable components of their life to rely on—things such as family responsibilities, jobs, and their independence—many teenagers have had the key elements that make up their life ripped away from them.

Teen life revolves around going to school, extracurriculars, and spending time with friends. None of those are accessible right now in the ways that they had been, leaving many teenagers with big pockets of unfilled time and a sense of self that is floundering. At a point in their development when teens are building their identities—which happens through their interactions with the world—many of these activities are unavailable. They are struggling. It’s hard.

Socially isolated and disengaged from the things that give them purpose (school, acting, sports…), many teens are turning to the little that is at their fingertips: video games and their phones. While in moderation, they can actually be beneficial to wellbeing, as studies have shown. However, in excess, both these elements are destructive to mental health.

In my observations, social media use often reinforces feelings of loneliness and frustration that are already there. Teens are watching some of their friends ignore social distancing guidelines. This leaves them feeling angry at their parents, their friends, and the world. Teens often end up playing video games for hours on end, and while there is a positive social component to playing with friends from all around the world, this also acts as a negative and magnetic force … because there is always someone available somewhere to join the game. 

Which brings me to sleep schedules. Many teens have found themselves on radically thrown off sleep schedules. Several are staying up most of the night and sleeping during the day. I have woken up many a teenager when I called them for their morning session—and it is always the same story: “Sorry. I was up until 4 a.m. playing video games.” 

When sleep is thrown off, so is, you got it, their eating habits. Snacking through the night, and not eating in the day (because, sleep) is a recipe for not feeling well physically or emotionally. 

So, needless to say, not sleeping well, not eating well, mostly sedentary, pulled from their friends and activities—many teens right now are stressed. 

That said, and I think it’s important to offer this balanced picture, I have also witnessed tremendous resilience in the teens I work with. There is toughness even in those that are having a hard time. The two are not mutually exclusive. The very same teen can have moments of hardiness and creativity, mixed with days where they are tearful, worried, and feeling lost and angry. These feelings of resilience interface with feelings of hopelessness and defeat, making for a confusing emotional landscape for many teenagers.

Now that virtual school is starting, hopefully, many teens are getting themselves back on a schedule. However, while it seems that the restart of virtual school in September has been helpful, it doesn’t provide the same social opportunities and accountability as going into a brick-and-mortar school does.

So how can you, as a parent or caregiver of a teen, support them right now? The following are some tips that may be useful in being there for your teenager:

1. Check in on them. This one may sound intuitive, but it is surprising how so many of us parents are overwhelmed by what we have on our plates, that we fall into the perception that no news is good news. This is not the case. No news might just be an indicator of a teen that is withdrawn and depressed because of this pandemic. Check-in with them. Let them know you are here for them. And this is important: don’t push it. This may further distance your teen away from you. Just a little drop-in comment can do wonders in letting your teen know that you are there and noticing them.

2. Listen to them. When your teen comes to you upset—don’t jump right in with giving perspective and advice. This is something many parents are drawn to do, and unfortunately for everyone, this only silences their teen. If I had a dollar for every teen that has told me they just want to be heard—I’d be able to buy myself a lot of Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Especially now, when there aren’t a ton of solutions—just “being” with your teen’s sadness and loss is especially important. Not only will it build your bond, but it also models for them the very important skill of allowing ourselves to notice and feel our feelings. For example, if you’re teen mentions to you how frustrated they are about not being able to attend football games or homecoming, responding in a reflective and validating way can go a long way. Something along the lines of “I really hear your disappointment. I know that feeling, it’s hard to feel that way and deal with all the loss right now. Is there more you want to tell me about that?” A fix-it model would sound something like this: “But you know there are still other things going on! And you still have two more years left to high school, so you’ll have next year.”

3. Ask if your teen would like perspective, coaching, or advice. With the above said—you are their parent. You do have more perspective and wisdom because of your age, experience, and objectivity. So, after you have listened to your child—maybe later in the day or the next, ask them if they’d like some perspective. The keyword here is "ask." If you say something like, “I was thinking about what we were talking about yesterday, may I offer you some thoughts I had on it?”, your teen will be more receptive to hearing you than if you just start talking and telling them what you think (you have a greater chance of defensiveness here).

4. Encourage socialization. Outdoor picnics. Walks. Something that feels safe and is within guidelines. These kids need their friends. In real life (not only virtually).

5. Brainstorm with them about a project they can do. A client of mine told me about a friend whose parents got him an old fishing boat off of Craigslist so he can tinker with it and fix it. Now, while not everyone has space or money for a fishing boat—a creative project to work on can be very helpful. I’ve seen teens sew, start commission artwork, and open Etsy shops where they sell dog leashes they have made. Having a creative outlet can both build mastery and create purpose—two big components of mental well-being. 

6. Limit screen time. I know everyone knows this, but it’s really important, so I thought I’d leave it here. Yes, you will probably get pushback, but after the adjustment period, I hope you will find a happier, more wholesome teen. When they open up more free time by putting down their phones, there is space for other more fulfilling activities.

7. Encourage exercise or exercise together. Things I have heard from clients that have been nice: family walks, bike rides, or weight lifting. Find whatever works for your teen and your family, but as most of us parents know from our own life experiences, moving our bodies is a precursor to mental health.

Living with Chronic Stress

How we can cope when the going gets persistently rough.

I can’t be the only one noticing an increase in the number of white hairs on my head, right? I find myself doing double-takes in the mirror making sure I am seeing things right. I know these silver foxes weren’t there a couple of months ago, and I’m also pretty certain I am not yet of the age to expect an ongoing new crop of these guys in my hair. 

My gray hair actually makes perfect sense in light of what we are currently living through. Graying hair is a researched response to ongoing stress. With that said, my new white highlights make quite a bit of sense. Because whether or not I acknowledge it, I am under quite a bit of extra daily stress right now. And I think it’s safe to say, most likely you are too. 

As we are entering month number-I-lost-track-of-it in coronavirus life, the stress of living during a global pandemic has become a chronic phenomenon. As a psychologist, I have watched both my own and my clients’ ongoing and changing emotional responses to this unfolding pandemic. 

In a nutshell, my observations of our collective evolving emotional landscape look something like this: In the beginning, there was widespread acute anxiety. Many people were thrown right into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This is our body’s response to perceived or real danger. Our body secretes stress hormones that activate a physical response so that we are prepared to deal with the threat and hopefully survive or get through it in the case of real danger. 

At the beginning of the pandemic, there was so much unfolding and changing. Important things were either shifting or stopping every single day: school closings and children home, working from home, furloughs, job loss—the rug was being pulled out from under us moment to moment in significant ways. Who knew what tomorrow would hold? There was tremendous fear and uncertainty as we scrambled to keep up with the daily fluctuations.

Then, after some time, whether or not we liked it, we settled into the closures and new social norms. Things settled down a bit and stopped changing as rapidly. We got into quasi-predictable quarantine life schedules, and thereon discussions of grief emerged. As the high and acute anxiety settled down somewhat, the grief of what had been lost began bubbling up.

Grief was found in big events such as jobs lost and financial stress, deaths, and whole lives being turned upside down. But grief was not only in the big, obvious losses. It was in the more nuanced and harder-to-articulate costs: the loss of life as we have always known it. In things that seem both small and weighty at the same time. Daily losses such as not being able to get coffee with a friend, swimming pools closed for the summer, and trips canceled.

Grief is still here in a very real and painful way as we have buckled our seats and taken a seat in preparation for this long ride. As the pandemic persists, it seems the once high and acute anxiety of the beginning stages of this pandemic has transformed into chronic anxiety and/or stress. 

Before we go further, I think it’s important to define the difference between acute stress and chronic stress:

Acute stress is our body’s reaction to a discreet stressor. For example, the stress you might feel before having to give a public talk or take an important test. In response to these stressors, our body releases stress hormones to help activate our body to deal with the event. Once the situation passes, the hormones cease being excreted, and we go back down to our deactivated baseline. 

Chronic stress is the release of stress hormones in response to ongoing and persistent stress. This type of stress response can lead to wear and tear on our bodies, as our bodies are not designed for the constant activation of this stress activation. It is depleting and exhausting to have stress hormones continually be released and it takes a toll on our bodies. Chronic stress has been linked to a host of physical and emotional difficulties (including graying hair, as mentioned above).

Right now, as we are several months into the pandemic, it is safe to say many people who at first were dealing with an acute stress situation are now contending with ongoing and severe chronic stress.So, what are we to do? How can we acknowledge the continuing stress we are experiencing and move towards active coping to mitigate the potential toll it can take on our psyche and health? The following are eight ideas on how we can process and work through our chronic stress so that it doesn’t fester and take up residence somewhere in our body. 

1. Practice awareness of your breathing. Remember, when all else seems like it’s falling apart, we always have our breath to come home to. Noticing the gentle rise and fall of our natural breathing has a way of both filling us and comforting us. When we remind ourselves that we have our breath as a calming companion to turn to no matter what is going on around us, we find a source of power within us. 

I want to share a personal story about kindness that really touched me: A couple of months ago, I found a chocolate bar in my mailbox with a letter that said “In tough times, a little chocolate can go a long way. Enjoy mommy! You’re so appreciated and loved! Love, your neighborhood secret pandemic chocolate supplier.” I still have not uncovered the identity of the beautiful human who left me this gift (and not for lack of trying!). It brightened up my pandemic experience, and I believe it must have lifted my anonymous chocolate supplier as well. But I think to myself, now there is someone who is doing a good job of actively coping with this crisis. 

6. Adhere to a schedule. Try and create a rhythm for yourself (and your children if you have them living with you). It helps create a sense of predictability and control, which we all need, especially when it seems as if the world is unraveling around us.

7. Try and maintain a consistent sleep schedule. Going to sleep and waking up at roughly the same time every day (yes, even on weekends) is shown to benefit not only the quality of our sleep but also our mental well-being. What better time to instill this personal boundary when there are so many factors that are detracting mental health. 

8. Lead with self-compassion. I like to finish off these lists with a reminder to please practice them from a place of self-compassion. Remind yourself, no one functions optimally under conditions of chronic stress—including you. As the world has had to readjust its own expectations, please readjust the expectations you have of yourself. 

Building Grit in This Pandemic

Seven ideas for developing grit and why it is important.

I think we all could use a bit of grit right now (or yesterday, or last month), no? 

According to the Oxford dictionary, grit means “courage and resolve; strength of character.” (It also means small loose particles of stone or sand, but that’s not what we are talking about today.) Grit is being able to hold on tight and stay committed to something important to you, even when the going gets tough. 

Source: Sasint/Pixabay

Grit’s powerful cousin is resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back after going through something difficult. I always think of a rubber band snapping back when I think of resilience. Or, as Nelson Mandela said, “Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” That right there is resilience.

One could argue that we need resilience to build grit. It is this ability to pick ourselves back up even after we’ve fallen countless times that permits us to stay with the long and often arduous journey. 

When we think of grit, our minds often go to stories of extreme tenacity and triumph over unlikely odds. It may feel like this concept is out of reach. However, this is something we can develop and access to confront life’s everyday hurdles. And right now there are many, many hurdles we are all contending with. Some extra grit might just help us get through this pandemic. 

In science, both grit and resilience are linked to growth, success, and overcoming challenges. I think one of the most hopeful things to come out of the research on grit is that it is a trait we can develop. 

There is interesting research on grit conducted by Dr. Angela Duckworth, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania. (If you haven’t seen it yet, Duckworth gave an excellent TED talk that is worth watching.) Duckworth describes grit as something that is both inherent and developable. This trait is both nature and nurture. That is, while people are born with different degrees of ‘grittiness’ you can develop more grit throughout your life by adopting certain mindsets and taking specific actions. She developed a scale to measure how gritty you currently are to give you an idea of where you fall on the continuum. Angela Duckworth, in her research, identified five core components of grit: courage, conscientiousness, perseverance, resilience, and passion. In other words, it is perseverance in the pursuit of that which we are passionate about that makes up grit. 

However, this post is less about delving into the scientific underpinnings of grit and more about offering some ideas on how we can cultivate more grit. 

“Grit” is a word that can feel vague and elusive when used in conversation. When we don’t define and concretize a concept, unintentionally its accessibility and attainability may get lost. It may feel like grit is a linear trait: either you have it or you don’t. Thankfully, as mentioned above, that is not the case. This is something every one of us can intentionally build. 

So, how can we all, right now, start on a grittier journey? How can we take a step back from what is happening and look inward to show up and keep on at it, not only for ourselves but for all the people around us? 

After all, in the world we are currently in, it sometimes feels like we need grit to get through the day, let alone to achieve grander goals. I believe we could all benefit from a healthy dose of grit to stay this pandemic course with its high levels of uncertainty, fatigue, and stress. 

Grit, right now, feels so very relevant. 

Here are seven ideas for how you can develop this trait:

1. Pinpoint what you value. What gives you a sense of purpose and puts a bounce in your step? It’s sobering how so many of us are living lives that are not in sync with our deepest and truest path. If we don’t know tangibly what it is we cherish, how can we acquire a sense of passionate purpose? Look at the different domains of your life such as family, friends, career, leisure, and spirituality, and find what gives you a sense of meaning in each category.

2. Take small steps to prevent burnout. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, grit doesn’t develop by biting off more than we can chew and sizzling out as a result. It’s taking small baby steps in pursuit of your goals. Focus on the journey rather than the outcome. Celebrate and learn to redefine small successes. In this vein, even a rejection letter can be viewed as a triumph because it reflects effort and is a conduit in developing resilience. 

3. See failure as a gift. When we fall off the horse, or we’re thrown off track by some other force (I’m talking to you, coronavirus), in shifting our mindset from one of helplessness to one of hopefulness, we can develop grit. How do we do this? Look at failure or a setback as an opportunity to grow. Because it is. We all know the famous quotes (see the one by Nelson Mandela above as an example) and statistics about how some of the most accomplished people showed tremendous resilience and grit by failing over and over again until they found success.

4. Find balance. It’s good to be gritty, but don’t make it all about the grit. Take a breather. Go for a walk. Watch a sunrise or a sunset. Start a brainless book or color. Find how you can ground yourself and relax so that you don’t grind yourself to the ground. We all need leisure and relaxation to provide a counterbalance to toughness and hard work. 

5. Create a community of people who share the value of grit. There is a popular quote by motivational speaker Jim Rohn that says we are the average of the five people we surround ourselves with most. Science corroborates that we are most definitely affected by those around us. We tend to mirror other people’s emotions. If we are with happy people, we feel happier. Sad people, we feel sadder. It’s a logical derivative then, to say, if we surround ourselves with gritty people, we get grittier. Pause here for a moment and think about who you most interact with. Are they gritty? Try to spend time with people who share this value. Their tenacity will rub off on you, inspire you, and help keep you on track. 

6. Remember times when you’ve been gritty and hold on to this when you’re in a slump. Creating a gritty narrative for yourself will take you far. If you remember times when you’ve had to work hard and stay focused to accomplish something important to you, you’ll know you have it in you to meet your current situation. Not only that, but remember how you felt during and after times you were gritty. Tapping into these feelings of empowerment and capability that come with accomplishing difficult tasks become intrinsic motivators. 

7. Lastly, please remember: being gritty is not the same thing as being harsh with yourself. You can do all of the above with an air of self-directed kindness and generosity.

How Are You Doing?

Ideas for answering this question (and understanding your feelings).

COVID-19 hit us fast and furiously. It seems one day we were talking about the coronavirus as something far-off and intangible, and before we knew it, it became a global pandemic. We watched as the security many of us felt in our worlds slip away, like sand sifting through our fingers, replaced with uncertainty and surrealism. A gigantic carpet was pulled out from underneath all of us, leaving us scrambling to pick up the pieces.

But alas, pieces get picked up and a new normal develops. An analogy that comes to mind is that of a tablecloth being pulled out from under a fully set table. All the dishes and utensils dislocate and then land in new spots.

This is what it seems has been happening with our adjustment to the coronavirus. Over the last several weeks everything was thrown into the air, and now the pieces are settling back down into a new, albeit temporary, routine. It takes time for our brains to process and adapt to these quickly unfolding events. 

Source: Khosro/Shutterstock

In the set table analogy, the moments when the dinnerware is in the air before it settles, parallel our felt anxiety. This is the time-frame when fight or flight is engaged and we are gearing up to face the threat. There has been an abundance of anxiety over the last several weeks as we dealt with the novelty and unknown of the coronavirus and the daily readjustments that took place. 

As things settle down though, it seems anxiety has expanded into a more complex buffet of feelings. You may notice conflicting emotional experiences: feelings of sadness, loneliness, loss, and confusion alongside feelings of relief, contentment, and gratitude.

I believe this evolution in our emotional experience has its roots in at least two principles. One is that as we hold stress and uncertainty for extended periods of time, the weight of chronic physiological arousal involved in sustained anxiety can often elicit secondary feelings of depression, fatigue, and hopelessness. 

Second, as we come to terms with the reality that the coronavirus will change life as we know it for an extended and indefinite period of time, many feel as if they have lost hold of their longer-term pursuits and visions. It is difficult, if not impossible, to plan and goal set when we are in a holding pattern of unknown time. 

You may be feeling as if you lost your footing, so to speak, and wonder how you can still pursue that which is of value in the face of such uncertainty. This can lead to feelings of emptiness and confusion.

A client described her experience as vacillating between anxiety, grief, anger, and a sense of knowing she will be okay and this will pass. In our conversation, she emphasized how so many things she was counting on were suddenly taken away from her. Events she was looking forward to, milestones to celebrate, and goals she had been working on. Many of them evaporated overnight. As she described her losses, it felt like grief, the loss of her life as she knew it and expected it to be. 

Grief and loss are not experienced only in death. So many of us are experiencing loss in finances, stability, travel, autonomy, perceived predictability and the pursuit of goals. 

My client’s experience made me think of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In our (virtual) session, we discussed Kubler-Ross’s theory and how in grief, individuals bounce between the stages as opposed to going through them linearly. 

We discussed how she could learn to notice and accept whatever feelings are coming up for her. Legitimize all that she was feeling and remind herself of her emotion’s transience and their valuable feedback about how she is responding to the world. We discussed how she may begin to offer herself reassurance that there will be an end and that she will reconnect to much of what feels lost right now. Legitimizing the range of emotional experience was helpful for her in moving towards acceptance, both for what is happening in the world and in her unfolding personal experience.

How to respond to the question, “How you are doing?” Several of us may be catching ourselves asking and being asked the familiar question, how are you?  Many ask this habitually at the beginning of our conversations. These days these words seem to take on a new significance. 

They don’t feel like the routine utterances of a month ago. Even when unintended, the question feels more intimate and emotional and relatable. The undertone is that there is something wrong. I know that, and I get it because I am feeling it, too. 

Being asked this question, though, can bring up the emotional confusion you may be feeling inside. You may be thinking, I don’t know how to answer this question because quite frankly, I don’t know how I am.

It is difficult to answer a question we don’t have the answer to. 

How can we sift through our emotions to gain more clarity on what we are feeling? 

When you have a moment, you may want to try finding some quiet, undistracted time to sit with your feelings. Write them down and say them out loud if you can. Nod to them, acknowledge them ,and welcome them in. Try labeling them by saying, this is sadness, this is loss, or this is gratitude.

Pay attention to where the feeling lives in your body. If you notice you feel sadness, ask yourself how your body knows that you are sad. Do you notice a heaviness in your chest, watering in your eyes? All our feelings take up residence in our bodies, and noticing the physical sensation linked to our feelings can be a powerful piece of acceptance.

If you have been going on walks, you may want to use some of this time as an emotional check-in. Ask yourself how you’ve been feeling, just as you would a friend, and then notice what comes up. Try identifying what feelings you have had over the day, and what you feel in this very moment. Moving from past to present can be helpful in grasping the transience of our emotions and our ability to move in and out of them. 

After we recognize what feelings are coming up, acceptance is the next step. Tell yourself it’s okay and it makes sense that you are having these feelings. Legitimize your emotions, both the ones that make sense to you because you have a direct cause for them, and the ones that feel more ambiguous. Our feelings are valid because they are present, not because we have a known explanation for them. 

Next time someone asks you how you are doing, as you gain more emotional awareness, you may feel clearer in your response. How you choose to answer the question is of course up to you, and may be dependent on the relationship you have with the asker. You can try describing your feeling. You can say it’s been a mix of feelings. Whatever feels accurate for you. Affirm that it’s okay to feel a range of big confusing feelings all at the same time. No matter how you choose to answer this question, having a firmer grasp on what you are feeling is a gift to yourself in these trying times, as this insight will hopefully lead you to adaptive coping. 

How Do We Grow Through Challenges?

5 strategies to help you evolve and gain wisdom through COVID-19.

With so much uncertainty right now, one thing is for sure: I don’t want COVID-19 to be a thing of the past without positively being impacted by it. I want to feel like I was here for the coronavirus pandemic, and not just in body, but in presence. I want to know that I was awake as I surfed this wave, and maybe even developed some wisdom as a byproduct of going through something so tough, as we often do when challenged. 

challenges can bre great gifts, when met with intention.Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required

To develop insight, it helps to be awake for the breadth of the experience: the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Being awake” means creating awareness around our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as we travel through the hardship. If there is grief, it is feeling the intricacies of this phenomenon. If there is worry and uncertainty, it is feeling them too, in all their complexity.

At a meditation retreat that I was on not that long ago, the leader quoted this amazing line from a short story written by James Joyce, an early 20th-century Irish author, entitled “A Painful Case.” The phrase goes as follows: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” Just let that sink in for a moment. Profound, right? I absolutely love this quote. It reflects how so many of us live through the stories our mind produces about what is happening, without really experiencing what is coming our way. 

A benefit of living with awareness and not getting caught up in the narrative of our minds is that we often develop tremendously when we are here for what is happening. We learn a lot about what we are made of: our strength, grit, compassion, purpose, and resilience. We discover what values are actually important to us and which ones aren’t. We begin to understand what it means to "dig deep" within ourselves to weather the storm.

How many of you can look back in time and identify experiences you have had that you were not present for? Times in your life that you were so caught up in the cognitive experience of the anxiety and stress that you missed all the moments: the hard ones and the ones holding power and joy? I know I can. 

Surprisingly, many of us coast by and pay little attention to what is happening, regardless if the situation is happy or painful. We often sleep through our own party (read: life). Sure, our bodies may be present and going through the motions, but our awareness is not there. Our mind is often busy with a story about the past, future, or ruminating in an unhelpful way about the present. 

I remember a client describing to me her experience of getting a new puppy. She explained wistfully that those short puppy months went by quickly, and when her dog was a bit older, she regretted that she wasn’t more present for the puppy months. She was caught up in all the “doing” of his care, that she spent little time just “being:” with the stresses and the pleasures. 

I’ve heard other stories of remorse from friends and clients in not having been present for important -albeit stressful- life happenings. For example, it’s common for new parents to describe ‘checking out’ for the newborn phase, or people zoning out during other difficult times such as when a loved one is sick. You know the phrase, “wake me up when this is over?” It’s like that.

While the temptations of taking a snooze when the going gets rough are certainly understandable and appealing on some level, when we do this there is often regret on the other side for not having really lived through the experience. Often, in these ‘big wave’ moments (times of intense feeling and emotion), there are many opportunities for connection, growth, and awe. Riding the big waves and not getting caught up in our mind’s narrative of them creates an opening to live a life that is rich with self-discovery. 

We are all, right now, riding a very big wave. We are collectively experiencing an unprecedented time of grief, uncertainty, and fear. There is job loss, educational challenges, death, and also…what else? Can you find elements of the power of community, resilience, family, and love?  You may be noticing a gamut of feelings in response to what is happening. Thus, this time holds a tremendous opportunity for change and growth.

With so much uncertainty right now, one thing is for sure: I don’t want COVID-19 to be a thing of the past without positively being impacted by it. I want to feel like I was here for the coronavirus pandemic, and not just in body, but in presence. I want to know that I was awake as I surfed this wave, and maybe even developed some wisdom as a byproduct of going through something so tough, as we often do when challenged. 

challenges can bre great gifts, when met with intention.Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required

To develop insight, it helps to be awake for the breadth of the experience: the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Being awake” means creating awareness around our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as we travel through the hardship. If there is grief, it is feeling the intricacies of this phenomenon. If there is worry and uncertainty, it is feeling them too, in all their complexity.

At a meditation retreat that I was on not that long ago, the leader quoted this amazing line from a short story written by James Joyce, an early 20th-century Irish author, entitled “A Painful Case.” The phrase goes as follows: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” Just let that sink in for a moment. Profound, right? I absolutely love this quote. It reflects how so many of us live through the stories our mind produces about what is happening, without really experiencing what is coming our way. 

A benefit of living with awareness and not getting caught up in the narrative of our minds is that we often develop tremendously when we are here for what is happening. We learn a lot about what we are made of: our strength, grit, compassion, purpose, and resilience. We discover what values are actually important to us and which ones aren’t. We begin to understand what it means to "dig deep" within ourselves to weather the storm.

How many of you can look back in time and identify experiences you have had that you were not present for? Times in your life that you were so caught up in the cognitive experience of the anxiety and stress that you missed all the moments: the hard ones and the ones holding power and joy? I know I can. 

Surprisingly, many of us coast by and pay little attention to what is happening, regardless if the situation is happy or painful. We often sleep through our own party (read: life). Sure, our bodies may be present and going through the motions, but our awareness is not there. Our mind is often busy with a story about the past, future, or ruminating in an unhelpful way about the present. 

I remember a client describing to me her experience of getting a new puppy. She explained wistfully that those short puppy months went by quickly, and when her dog was a bit older, she regretted that she wasn’t more present for the puppy months. She was caught up in all the “doing” of his care, that she spent little time just “being:” with the stresses and the pleasures. 

I’ve heard other stories of remorse from friends and clients in not having been present for important -albeit stressful- life happenings. For example, it’s common for new parents to describe ‘checking out’ for the newborn phase, or people zoning out during other difficult times such as when a loved one is sick. You know the phrase, “wake me up when this is over?” It’s like that.

While the temptations of taking a snooze when the going gets rough are certainly understandable and appealing on some level, when we do this there is often regret on the other side for not having really lived through the experience. Often, in these ‘big wave’ moments (times of intense feeling and emotion), there are many opportunities for connection, growth, and awe. Riding the big waves and not getting caught up in our mind’s narrative of them creates an opening to live a life that is rich with self-discovery. 

We are all, right now, riding a very big wave. We are collectively experiencing an unprecedented time of grief, uncertainty, and fear. There is job loss, educational challenges, death, and also…what else? Can you find elements of the power of community, resilience, family, and love?  You may be noticing a gamut of feelings in response to what is happening. Thus, this time holds a tremendous opportunity for change and growth.

Source: Kanenori/Pixabay

How do you want to reflect on this pandemic when it’s over?

Living without regret is about being present and intentional: Have you met every day that you were gifted? And how did you meet that day? Were you responsive and in your body, opening yourself up to the lessons and wisdom that were presenting themselves to you? Or were you checked out of your body, stuck in your thoughts, and reactive or dissociative? Going through experiences in this mode is often where remorse stems from. The flip of that, undergoing hardship with a sense of alertness and spaciousness, often leads to positive change. 

This doesn’t mean we need to come out of this experience with magical lessons, ‘aha moments’ (though it’s certainly nice if we do, at least a little bit), or finding silver linings (there is a time and a place for that, and there is a time for grief and mourning). All we’re aiming for is to know that we were there. We lived through Pandemic 2020 with our eyes wide open, enough so that this is something we can write heartfelt stories about when we are older, or tell anecdotes to our young children when they are grown. 

As we are weathering this current worldwide tsunami, how can we achieve and ensure we emerge on the other side whole, intact, wiser and humbled? The following are five ideas:

1.     Do daily check-ins with yourself. Ask yourself, where are my thoughts right now? What feelings am I having? How is my body feeling? You can try doing this multiple times a day, and at set times so you remember. For example, before you get out of bed you may want to check in with yourself, then again at lunchtime and again at bedtime before you go to sleep. 

2.     Notice the small moments of beauty and pleasure in any given moment. They are there, I guarantee you, even in the hard bursts. If you tune in, you will find them. You may even want to write them down so you have a log of all the beautiful moments that are happening in your life right now, alongside the stressful times and feelings. 

3.     Make the most of your down-time. Read that book you’ve had on your night table for months. Learn something new. By doing this, not only will you have tangible evidence that you grew during this experience, but you will be developing a sense of mastery. Building skill and knowledge in a specific area of interest is a wonderful way of coping with stress and uncertainty. 

4.     Keep a journal or a scrapbook of this time. At the end of the week, or at the end of the day, write down stories of your own strength. How you have adapted? How you have been flexible? How have you dealt with challenges that came up? What did you struggle with? How did you show up for yourself and your feelings? This can act as an archive of stories of your bravery as you lived through COVID-19. A client of mine told me she was going to start keeping a scrapbook of what it is like living right now- a time capsule of sorts. She is also crafting vision boards in her scrapbook as a way of maintaining the perspective that this will pass and all that she still has to look forward to. 

5.     Make memories. A teenage client of mine shared that she and her sibling had a mud fight with each other outside, for fun. We laughed at the silliness of this act, and reflected that if she wasn’t “stuck at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do” she would never have entertained such an activity, with her younger brother no less. But out of their shared boredom, this idea was born, and now they have a great memory that they will surely talk about as adults. Think about making memories, solo, or with your family. Be playful and silly with each other and yourself. Doing so will allow you to look upon this time with some wistful nostalgia when it’s all done.

When this uncertain and in many ways painful chapter is over, you will be the historian of your life during COVID-19. What can you do right now so that when it is a memory, you will recall the elements of pain and suffering, but also those of profundity and gratitude, knowing you were awake, alive, and positively changed by this episode of your life? 

Leah Katz Ph.D. Here We Are Why I Broke Up with My Scale

Research suggests that as much as 80% of women struggle with poor body image, and 70% of women who are at healthy weights want to be thinner. Body image trouble can lead to a host of other difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.

Source: 'Vidmir Raic/Pixabay'

In my clinical practice, I see repeatedly how harsh many of the women and teenagers I work with are with their bodies, but this article is about my own journey with body image and weight. I always assumed I had a sound body image.I felt good about myself, kept active, and maintained a healthy BMI. I knew several family members and friends who suffered from different forms of eating disorders, and I felt grateful to have fallen on the other side of the fence, having not developed one myself.

However, I had a rude awakening about how harsh my own thoughts could be towards my body while I was on my first ever meditation retreat a few years ago. Although I didn’t have any observable signs of poor body image, I carried an overwhelming amount of discreet negative thoughts directed at my appearance.

I noticed the onslaught of negative thinking I had in response to walking past a mirror. I didn’t focus on my face, my eyes, or my smile, and instead got so picky with myself. Why do I have pimples and the start of wrinkles at 30? Oh my, when did my thighs get so huge? I really shouldn’t have worn those leggings. I need to start eating less. And these thoughts were happening with alarming frequency in the brain of a woman who had always assumed she felt great in her body.

Practicing mindfulness helped me shift my relationship to these painful thoughts. I started to notice them as they occurred. Instead of automatically believing them, as I had been doing for years, I learned to recognize them for what they were: sad thoughts cultivated through years of exposure to unhealthy messages about my weight and body. Not the truths I had come to understand them to be.With this shift in my awareness, now when these thoughts appeared, I would notice them, gently let them pass, like clouds in the sky, instead of following them down a rabbit hole of other thoughts and feelings that left me feeling disconnected and upset with my body.I cultivated a greater sense of gratitude for the miraculous body I was given and developed awe for what was happening within and beneath my skin. I began to observe my body in motion- grateful for the simple (or not so simple) acts of being able to walk, run, stretch. I was gentler with how I handled my physical self in such acts as applying moisturizer to my face. I focused on being healthy rather than ‘skinny.’ I looked deeply into my own eyes (on occasion) and affirmed how much I loved myself.All of these practices are beautiful and helped to a great extent. I gained tremendous self-awareness of the degree of negative chatter occurring in my mind about my physical appearance and learned to both detach from the thoughts and create healthier, more gratitude-based thinking about my body- both the external and internal aspects.But curating positive thoughts without action has its limitations. Though I was learning to observe my thoughts instead of being swept away by them, I was still having them. A lot. Much of the perpetuation of these thoughts had to do with a pesky little device that lay in the corner of my bathroom. You got it. My scale. 

You see, when we invest energy in practicing mindfulness and self-development, yet still engage in unhealthy behavioral rituals (for me, weighing myself daily), then we are still reinforcing old, unhealthy beliefs. In my case, these beliefs were the overemphasis of my weight, and what I interpreted this to mean about myself.

And then came a point not that long ago where I had had enough. It was time to take action against these uncomfortable judgments. At that time, my daughter was 4 and I didn’t want to perpetuate the culture of poor body image that I had grown up with. I didn’t want her to have a mother who would weigh herself and then mutter something rude to herself about that number. (Even though she had never actually witnessed this, children pick up on subliminal things.) I needed to take steps to develop a truly loving, respectful relationship with my body.

Source: 'tmcphotos/Shutterstock'

For my sake, and for hers, I decided it was time I broke up with my scale.Now for full transparency, we actually broke up once, got back together briefly, and then had a final breakup. The first time we broke up, I must admit, I asked my husband to take the scale away. Hide it from me so I wouldn’t be tempted to sneak in a visit. And he obliged, put it away in what he thought was a clever hiding space.That worked for a few days. Then I noticed the creeping curiosity slink in and trick me with its masked logic. What did I weigh? My pesky thoughts would say. Is having my scale away affecting my weight at all? As a researcher, shouldn’t I have access to this data? (Did you catch that irony there?) And so, I’m embarrassed to say, I searched and found it, took it back out in its grey metallic glory, and resumed my daily habit.

I quickly caught my lapse, and this time, put the scale away myself. I didn’t need fancy tricks or someone else to take responsibility for getting me to get healthier with my body. No. That obligation fell squarely on my shoulders. If I was going to learn to feel better about myself, that duty was mine and mine alone. So, away the scale went.

Not weighing myself was not a magical fix. But, I noticed a lightness, a freeness. I no longer engaged in the daily judgment or self-flagellation that came with gaining a pound (or conversely, the celebratory feelings of accomplishment when I had lost a pound). I enjoyed my food more because I wasn’t thinking in the back of my mind about how what I was eating would affect my weight- because I knew I wouldn’t be hopping on the scale the next morning. It was easier to slow down and savor what was going in my mouth because I was limiting the immediate association I had formed between what I ate and my weight.When I ate, I asked myself more often, what is my body craving, and learned to pay better attention to my cues when I was full. I noticed I really didn’t feel that good when I ate late at night, and would try and curb that impulse- not because I was afraid of what the scale would say, but because I was tuning in to what my body was saying.  I began to pay attention to my body and trust it in a way that the flashing number only diminished.

With the scale away, the mindless, daily act of weighing myself is no longer an option. When I feel the urge, I work through it with counteracting worry thoughts with healthier, grounded ones. I remind myself that my self-worth, and physical health for that matter, go far deeper than the number on any scale. I remind myself that I am keeping myself healthy with eating well, physical exercise and meditation, which are better indicators of health than weight. (Of course, check in with your medical provider if there is a medical reason for keeping your scale around).

If you feel weighted down by your scale (pun intended), and think a break up may be helpful, try doing it this way: Thank the scale for whatever it has offered you. Then recognize it for what is: a mechanical device designed to give you a number. Nothing more, nothing less. Reassure yourself that you are capable of taking it from here as you focus on building a stronger, healthier relationship with your body.  And then, set the scale aside, and allow yourself to feel lighter and more empowered as you step into greater self-worth.

The Dos and Don'ts of Parenting Your Child Through COVID-19

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How to emotionally support your anxious child through this health scare.

Anxiety over the coronavirus (COVID-19) has been steadily building these last several weeks. Many of you have likely lived through other global health scares before. Swine Flu (remember H1N1?), West Nile Virus, SARS, and Ebola are some of the few that come to my mind.Having experienced other large-scale health concerns may serve as reassurance that these alarms come to pass. You can tell yourself, remember when that last alarm happened? It passed; it was scary, and we were ultimately OK. We can also use our prior knowledge of the media’s tendency towards dramatizations and challenge the hysteria the media promulgates in much of the coverage they provide on pressing issues. In this case, their reportage of COVID-19.

Generally, past experiences provide a logical counter-balance to new anxieties that arise over fresh situations. However, while you may be familiar with the apprehension surrounding a health or catastrophic event and use past events to challenge your current fears, your children don’t have this same history and frame of reference. That makes it a different, scarier experience for them. Add in a child with preexisting anxiety, and you have a recipe for one extremely anxious child. Their life may be disrupted because of this scare: Sleep disturbances, diminished school attendance, and preoccupations with getting sick may be some issues you are noticing in your anxious child.

Worried person.

Source: Sabphoto/Shutterstock

Therefore, it is important all of us parents take a pause and mindfully parent our children through this alarm.In helping our children emotionally through this health scare, the following is a list for parents on the "dos" and "don’ts" of parenting your child through the coronavirus:Do:1. Check your own anxiety. This is a big one. If you are feeling overwhelmingly anxious about the virus and not working through your feelings, this will most certainly rub off on your child.

Talk to someone if you feel anxious. Check your facts. Reframe catastrophic scenarios in your mind. Take deep breaths. But whatever you do, don’t allow your anxiety to fester and ooze. Your child will pick up on it, guaranteed, and this may act as a barrier in them seeing you as a possible support for them if and when they feel anxious

2. Talk with your school-age children (but don’t go overboard). Children, even younger ones, know when something is off. Not talking about what is happening, either because you are feeling anxious or are worried about making them anxious, often backfires and only makes them more worried.Be reassuring. Ask them how they are feeling emotionally and listen to their answers. Don’t brush away what is happening, that they are already aware of, under the carpet.3. Remind them of where their power lies. Often in times of stress that feels beyond our control, we feel powerless, helpless, and like there is nothing we can do to support ourselves. We give up on finding solutions and give in to our anxiety.Remind your children (and yourself, if necessary) that they maintain plenty of power—and where to find it. Their power lies in things like handwashing, not touching their face, not sharing snacks, and using a tissue. There is something both empowering and comforting in learning to find where we can take our own responsibility in a situation where there is much out of our control.

4. Use this as an opportunity to discuss gratitude. For their health, for living in a country where medical help is readily available, for the invention of medicine that can control and treat symptoms.5. Lead by example. If you are asking your children to wash their hands more often or not to touch their faces, try your hardest to practice what you preach. It will give you more empathy around what you are asking them to do, and modeling these behaviors will be your children’s best teacher.

Don’t:1. Have adult conversations about the coronavirus in front of them. Even when you think their attention is otherwise engaged, they are listening. Children are sponges: If they are in the vicinity, they pick up and hear almost anything.I still get a kick out of observing this in my own children. My husband and I can be talking about something mundane and boring, and as soon as we say “ice cream” or “movie,” my children pipe up immediately. Save your conversations—especially the worried ones—for when your children are not present.

2. Go overboard with cleaning. I’ll never forget how the mother of a childhood friend of mine (who, granted, came from a large family) would go overboard each time one of her children got sick—even with the common cold. She would follow them around with disinfectant spray, carry paper towels around with her, and make everyone feel tense and worried. Don’t do this to your children.Do prepare according to CDC guidelines, but make it feel natural and not fatalistic. As you stay on top of your and your children’s hygiene, remind them that regardless of a health outbreak, it is important to keep our hands and surfaces clean.3. Brush your children’s fears away. There is a difference between offering reassurance and being dismissive. An example of a dismissive response would be: What are you afraid of? Things are going to be fine. Reassurance includes both emotional attunement and coaching. It sounds like, I understand you are worried. Can you tell me more about how you are feeling and what you are worried about? 

Only after that emotional attunement has happened, offer some reassurance, such as, I see you’re worried. I have seen many other health scares. I know the media tends to make it sound really scary, but it’s usually like that with the news. I have always been fine, and I’m confident we will be fine through this. Know I am here to talk if you are worried.

4. Blindly follow the media hysteria. Do get your facts straight. Do your own research—from reputable sites. Be careful what you read in the news, and how much exposure you’re getting to the scary stuff. Scientifically, this has been shown to affect you. I’ll say it again for emphasis: Get the facts, educate yourself, and allow that to guide you.Copyright: Leah Katz, 2020. This article also appears in the March 18th issue of the Jewish Review.

Building Your Pandemic Toolbox

We are living in times that are rapidly changing, stress-filled, and unpredictable. This may be bringing up anxiety and worry for you. The following are some ideas on coronavirus stress management from three different psychological modalities: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Mindfulness. Understanding different approaches to cope with anxiety may help build a more robust toolbox to deal with your current worries.

In all anxiety management approaches, our work starts with noticing what is transpiring in our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies. Without awareness, we often don’t know that we have work to do, or that there are strategies we can employ to help ourselves. We may take the frazzled way we are feeling for granted and forge on. However, once we tap into awareness, we can make active choices about what we are going to do with those troublesome sensations and thoughts, and begin adaptively coping.

The following is a break-down of what three different psychological schools of thought would say to help mitigate your coronavirus related stress and anxiety:1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). One of the principles of this modality is learning to identify our thoughts, recognize their impact on our emotional response, and then reframe the tricky thinking.  By adjusting our thinking, we change our emotional response and the actions that follow.

Anxiety thoughts, by their very definition, are not accurate. They may start with a kernel of truth but then expand into a worry-story that is full of inaccuracies that feel highly believable. Replacing inaccurate thoughts with more accurate ones can be very helpful. This is not about cultivating positive thinking, it’s about accurate thinking.

With anxiety related to COVID-19, you may want to try this: Practice slowing down, isolating the worry thoughts, and "talking back" to them using past evidence, history, and your rational brain.Identify the thought that is worrying you, and use logic and evidence to put it in its place, so to speak.

For example, if you’re thinking is, what happens if we get very sick? Or, what if we run out of supplies? What if society crumbles? Challenge it with more rational thoughts such as, There is a very minimal chance that will happen. Yes, it’s a possibility, but it’s not a probability. I can’t live in the realm of possibility — because anything is possible, always. I choose to live with probability, which is the more likely scenario. I am resilient and can deal with hardship that comes my way [and this is how…]. I’ve dealt with difficulties in the past. I can’t control the future. All I can do is meet myself at this moment and ask myself the question, what do I need to do right now?

2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This form of therapy is about learning to accept our thoughts and emotions, and regardless of what is happening in our noggin, committing to meaningful actions. Here, instead of challenging the thoughts, as we do in CBT, we notice them, watch them, and let them go so that they don’t act as a barrier in pursuing your goals.

This form of therapy emphasizes shifting our relationship to our thinking so that we become the observer of our thoughts, recognize they are just thoughts, and gently set them aside as we pursue our life and dreams.An analogy I like is that of a bus or a car: You are in the driver’s seat of your life, driving yourself to the places that you want to go to, together with your passengers — your thoughts and your feelings — whatever they might be. You are not being driven around and being told what you can or cannot do by your thoughts or emotions.Another popular analogy for ACT work is to learn to watch your thoughts come and go like the clouds in the sky. You are not the cloud, nor are you on the cloud. You are lying flat on your back, watching the clouds (thoughts) come and go.With our current worry surrounding COVID-19, an ACT approach would be to observe your thoughts. Remind yourself that they are just thoughts and allow them to be. Don’t fight them or get swept away by them. Ground yourself in your personal values: the actions/mindsets that provide you with meaning.

When you have stress-related thoughts about the coronavirus, you may want to try saying, Oh hello, thoughts. Come on in. You can come with me today as I do X if you’d like. I will not allow you to dictate what I do or don’t do with my life. Practically, this might look like coming up with a daily list of activities that you can do from home that give you a sense of value. One client said she came up with a quarantine "bucket list" of sorts — things she has been wanting to do for a while that she finally has time for.

Doing these value-driven tasks regardless of what thoughts you are having may be helpful in weathering this storm. Some ideas might be: texting a friend, doing something kind for someone, cleaning a space in your house, being creative with music or art. Identify what gives you meaning, chunk it into attainable goals, and stay connected to those things.

3. Mindfulness is learning to cultivate a gentle, non-judging awareness to what is unfolding within, moment to moment. It is different than the ACT approach in a fundamental way. Whereas ACT is a cognitive strategy where we use metaphors to learn to watch our thoughts, mindfulness doesn’t use metaphors. At its core, this practice is about creating non-judging awareness. It is being present for whatever is unfolding within you moment by moment, noticing where your mind is, and shifting your attention back to one of your five senses or your breath.

To help with the anxiety of the coronavirus, a mindfulness approach might involve noticing the thought, creating space for it, and kindly bringing your attention back to one of your five senses or your breathing. Your breath can serve as a wonderful anchor to come back to when you notice your mind going off to anxious places.

When you notice yourself having a worry thought, you might want to say, thank you for that, mind, and then notice other sensations you are having at that moment: your breathing, what sounds your ears pick up, feeling your feet on the ground, or the sensations in your hands.4. Self-Care. This isn’t its own modality per se but is a foundation from where we use all the skills discussed above. Practicing self-care is fundamental to psychological health and wellbeing.

Self-care is nurturing yourself. It is also staying tethered to preventative strategies such as exercise, eating healthfully, and getting enough sleep. When we do the things that take care of our souls- and our bodies- we are practicing self-care.Unfortunately, self-care is often one of the first things to go during times of stress. The irony is that while self-care is always important, it becomes even more so during hardship. Why? It’s how we prevent depletion and exhaustion and sustain ourselves to weather the stress. Right now, you may want to pay extra attention to how you are caring for yourself and be creative and committed to making this happen.

Try making a list of things that recharge you, a menu of sorts, and choose from them and practice them daily. Get outside (this has been scientifically shown to lower anxiety), even in your own backyard. Move your body. Talk to comforting friends and family. Meditate. Listen to music that lifts your mood. Lose yourself in a hobby. Find your anchors, and allow them to ground you, keep you steady in these difficult times.

As it is in therapy, there is no one size fits all when it comes to skills and tools. Perhaps try these different skills as you confront the unfolding stress of the times, and see what works for you. Experimenting with different coping strategies may lead to increased self-awareness and feelings of empowerment, reinforcing that you have the ability to help yourself through these difficult times.