5 Ways to Manage the Waiting Game
There are certainly important differences in these varying wait-able scenarios, including the degree of control we have over the outcome and what else is going on in our lives at the moment. Nonetheless, regardless of the specifics, waiting carries with it a host of difficult feelings such as uncertainty, anxiety, worry, and impatience. Waiting for possible good news or bad news can feel draining and exhausting, as we sit in the space of not knowing.
I think it’s safe to say that we all know what the feeling of waiting for an outcome feels like, and it can be quite uncomfortable. Whether we’re waiting for test results, election results, or if there will be a next date, the feelings that waiting induces can often be excruciating.
There are certainly important differences in these varying wait-able scenarios, including the degree of control we have over the outcome and what else is going on in our lives at the moment. Nonetheless, regardless of the specifics, waiting carries with it a host of difficult feelings such as uncertainty, anxiety, worry, and impatience. Waiting for possible good news or bad news can feel draining and exhausting, as we sit in the space of not knowing.
Why is having to wait for news so difficult?
One reason why waiting can be so hard is that often the outcome of whatever we are waiting for determines our next steps. If we get the answers we are hoping for we celebrate and keep moving forward. If we receive news that is unwelcome and not what we had wanted, we process the loss and disappointment and reroute.
With knowing comes the possibility of movement. And with not knowing, we feel stuck- as if life is on pause. In fact, in one study, participants displayed higher levels of anxiety while waiting for a result than after they received the bad news. It's similar to the game of Life: While we keep on rolling, we’re either moving forwards or backward. Regardless of the direction, we’re moving. When we can’t roll, we don’t know what our next steps should be. We are stuck on our square until we find out how many spaces we should go and where we are going—even if where we are going is in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go.
Thus, having to wait is hard for practical reasons. Often there are changes we need to make depending on the outcome: Will I need to apply for another job or school? Take the test again? Have to move? Begin medical treatment? Start over in some capacity? Our life hangs in limbo in many ways whilst we wait.
Waiting is also hard because people crave certainty. The need to know is adaptive and built into our drive to survive. It’s part of our more primitive wiring. If we know what to expect, we can adequately prepare for it, and most likely get by okay. If we are uncertain about what’s to come, we are less likely to thrive, let alone survive. So wanting certainty is built into our blood and bones.
A bit of self-disclosure here: Both my husband and I have degrees in which we have to complete national and state licensing exams before we can practice. I studied for months before my exam, was filled with anxiety and trepidation before I went to take it, and had to wait a couple of weeks before I found out if I passed it or not. (I did!) My husband, on the other hand, spent months preparing for his exam which was spread over two days and then had to wait four months for his results. The months after he took his exam were difficult for many reasons: the emotional toll of not knowing if he would have to go through that draining experience again, as well as several practical uncertainties: Would we be able to move? Would he be able to find a job? And all the financial considerations that came along with that.
We both had to wait. My wait was much shorter, and, hence, less tolling. His was longer and therefore decidedly more uncomfortable — for the both of us.
With all this said, how can we wait with equanimity? As it is an inevitability of life—a part of the equation of living and pursuing goals—what are some things we may want to try doing when we find ourselves in the uncomfortable realm of waiting on someone (or something) else’s timeline? How can we play the waiting game without it taking too much of an emotional toll?
1. Meditate. Finding a form of meditation that speaks to you can be helpful in offsetting the stress of not knowing. In one study, researchers found that minimal practicing of mindfulness meditation (as little as 15 minutes once a week) was helpful in abating the stress of waiting. In this study, researchers looked at 150 law students in California who were awaiting the results of the bar exam. This process can be incredibly stressful and includes a four-month waiting period after the test to find out if you passed. Students who practiced mindfulness meditation at least 15 minutes once a week held off on “bracing"—preparing themselves for the worst-case scenario—and displayed more optimism. Increased optimism while we are waiting for important news decreases our stress.
2. Do things that induce your flow experience. Activities that are immersive and require your complete focus help you achieve a flow state. Being in your flow can be calming, grounding, and rewarding. It also helps us remember that life goes on, even as we wait. There is food to cook, essays to write, and art to make. The waiting is there, and so are these other powerful experiences that remind us that there is more to life than the news we are waiting on. Getting lost in an immersive experience can be helpful in retaining this awareness and do wonders to shift your mind out of the worry of what will be.
3. Create awe-inducing experiences. In a study at the University of California, researchers discovered that participants exposed to an awe-inspiring video (a high-resolution video of a sunset) were significantly better able to tolerate the uncertainty of waiting for test results than participants who watched either a neutral video or a cute video of animals. These researchers concluded that inducing the feeling of awe can help us when we find ourselves waiting. How can you translate this into your life? Maybe it’s going for a walk at sunset, or taking a close look at all the details in just one leaf, or reflecting on how miraculous it is that our bodies work just-so?
There is the capacity to find awe all around us. I often find it in nature. Even just watching a giant old tree dance in the wind can trigger feelings of awe.
4. Limit how often you check your phone or email for an answer. Constant checking is draining, and when we fall into habitual checking, it becomes a vicious cycle of checking, disappointment, and more checking, as every time we check holds the promise of some news. Check your email on a schedule. Set boundaries around where you check. One idea might be to only check your email on your computer, not your phone. Setting such a limit can be a helpful fence in limiting the number of times you check.
5. Make a list of affirmations. Jot down some words that help with increasing hope and a belief in a positive outcome. Say them out loud, then record yourself saying them, and watch your video as a reminder. This can help hedge off worry and keep you feeling optimistic. A personal favorite of mine is “Good things are coming my way.” This affirmation is equal parts hopeful and vague…while I’m not entirely sure what that good thing is, I know it’s coming. And there is a truth to that. After all, good things are always coming our way…if only we’re ready and open to seeing them. It might not be in the outcome I thought, but good things are always finding us, if only we are looking.
How Do We Grow Through Challenges?
5 strategies to help you evolve and gain wisdom through COVID-19.
With so much uncertainty right now, one thing is for sure: I don’t want COVID-19 to be a thing of the past without positively being impacted by it. I want to feel like I was here for the coronavirus pandemic, and not just in body, but in presence. I want to know that I was awake as I surfed this wave, and maybe even developed some wisdom as a byproduct of going through something so tough, as we often do when challenged.
challenges can bre great gifts, when met with intention.Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required
To develop insight, it helps to be awake for the breadth of the experience: the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Being awake” means creating awareness around our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as we travel through the hardship. If there is grief, it is feeling the intricacies of this phenomenon. If there is worry and uncertainty, it is feeling them too, in all their complexity.
At a meditation retreat that I was on not that long ago, the leader quoted this amazing line from a short story written by James Joyce, an early 20th-century Irish author, entitled “A Painful Case.” The phrase goes as follows: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” Just let that sink in for a moment. Profound, right? I absolutely love this quote. It reflects how so many of us live through the stories our mind produces about what is happening, without really experiencing what is coming our way.
A benefit of living with awareness and not getting caught up in the narrative of our minds is that we often develop tremendously when we are here for what is happening. We learn a lot about what we are made of: our strength, grit, compassion, purpose, and resilience. We discover what values are actually important to us and which ones aren’t. We begin to understand what it means to "dig deep" within ourselves to weather the storm.
How many of you can look back in time and identify experiences you have had that you were not present for? Times in your life that you were so caught up in the cognitive experience of the anxiety and stress that you missed all the moments: the hard ones and the ones holding power and joy? I know I can.
Surprisingly, many of us coast by and pay little attention to what is happening, regardless if the situation is happy or painful. We often sleep through our own party (read: life). Sure, our bodies may be present and going through the motions, but our awareness is not there. Our mind is often busy with a story about the past, future, or ruminating in an unhelpful way about the present.
I remember a client describing to me her experience of getting a new puppy. She explained wistfully that those short puppy months went by quickly, and when her dog was a bit older, she regretted that she wasn’t more present for the puppy months. She was caught up in all the “doing” of his care, that she spent little time just “being:” with the stresses and the pleasures.
I’ve heard other stories of remorse from friends and clients in not having been present for important -albeit stressful- life happenings. For example, it’s common for new parents to describe ‘checking out’ for the newborn phase, or people zoning out during other difficult times such as when a loved one is sick. You know the phrase, “wake me up when this is over?” It’s like that.
While the temptations of taking a snooze when the going gets rough are certainly understandable and appealing on some level, when we do this there is often regret on the other side for not having really lived through the experience. Often, in these ‘big wave’ moments (times of intense feeling and emotion), there are many opportunities for connection, growth, and awe. Riding the big waves and not getting caught up in our mind’s narrative of them creates an opening to live a life that is rich with self-discovery.
We are all, right now, riding a very big wave. We are collectively experiencing an unprecedented time of grief, uncertainty, and fear. There is job loss, educational challenges, death, and also…what else? Can you find elements of the power of community, resilience, family, and love? You may be noticing a gamut of feelings in response to what is happening. Thus, this time holds a tremendous opportunity for change and growth.
With so much uncertainty right now, one thing is for sure: I don’t want COVID-19 to be a thing of the past without positively being impacted by it. I want to feel like I was here for the coronavirus pandemic, and not just in body, but in presence. I want to know that I was awake as I surfed this wave, and maybe even developed some wisdom as a byproduct of going through something so tough, as we often do when challenged.
challenges can bre great gifts, when met with intention.Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required
To develop insight, it helps to be awake for the breadth of the experience: the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Being awake” means creating awareness around our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as we travel through the hardship. If there is grief, it is feeling the intricacies of this phenomenon. If there is worry and uncertainty, it is feeling them too, in all their complexity.
At a meditation retreat that I was on not that long ago, the leader quoted this amazing line from a short story written by James Joyce, an early 20th-century Irish author, entitled “A Painful Case.” The phrase goes as follows: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” Just let that sink in for a moment. Profound, right? I absolutely love this quote. It reflects how so many of us live through the stories our mind produces about what is happening, without really experiencing what is coming our way.
A benefit of living with awareness and not getting caught up in the narrative of our minds is that we often develop tremendously when we are here for what is happening. We learn a lot about what we are made of: our strength, grit, compassion, purpose, and resilience. We discover what values are actually important to us and which ones aren’t. We begin to understand what it means to "dig deep" within ourselves to weather the storm.
How many of you can look back in time and identify experiences you have had that you were not present for? Times in your life that you were so caught up in the cognitive experience of the anxiety and stress that you missed all the moments: the hard ones and the ones holding power and joy? I know I can.
Surprisingly, many of us coast by and pay little attention to what is happening, regardless if the situation is happy or painful. We often sleep through our own party (read: life). Sure, our bodies may be present and going through the motions, but our awareness is not there. Our mind is often busy with a story about the past, future, or ruminating in an unhelpful way about the present.
I remember a client describing to me her experience of getting a new puppy. She explained wistfully that those short puppy months went by quickly, and when her dog was a bit older, she regretted that she wasn’t more present for the puppy months. She was caught up in all the “doing” of his care, that she spent little time just “being:” with the stresses and the pleasures.
I’ve heard other stories of remorse from friends and clients in not having been present for important -albeit stressful- life happenings. For example, it’s common for new parents to describe ‘checking out’ for the newborn phase, or people zoning out during other difficult times such as when a loved one is sick. You know the phrase, “wake me up when this is over?” It’s like that.
While the temptations of taking a snooze when the going gets rough are certainly understandable and appealing on some level, when we do this there is often regret on the other side for not having really lived through the experience. Often, in these ‘big wave’ moments (times of intense feeling and emotion), there are many opportunities for connection, growth, and awe. Riding the big waves and not getting caught up in our mind’s narrative of them creates an opening to live a life that is rich with self-discovery.
We are all, right now, riding a very big wave. We are collectively experiencing an unprecedented time of grief, uncertainty, and fear. There is job loss, educational challenges, death, and also…what else? Can you find elements of the power of community, resilience, family, and love? You may be noticing a gamut of feelings in response to what is happening. Thus, this time holds a tremendous opportunity for change and growth.
Source: Kanenori/Pixabay
How do you want to reflect on this pandemic when it’s over?
Living without regret is about being present and intentional: Have you met every day that you were gifted? And how did you meet that day? Were you responsive and in your body, opening yourself up to the lessons and wisdom that were presenting themselves to you? Or were you checked out of your body, stuck in your thoughts, and reactive or dissociative? Going through experiences in this mode is often where remorse stems from. The flip of that, undergoing hardship with a sense of alertness and spaciousness, often leads to positive change.
This doesn’t mean we need to come out of this experience with magical lessons, ‘aha moments’ (though it’s certainly nice if we do, at least a little bit), or finding silver linings (there is a time and a place for that, and there is a time for grief and mourning). All we’re aiming for is to know that we were there. We lived through Pandemic 2020 with our eyes wide open, enough so that this is something we can write heartfelt stories about when we are older, or tell anecdotes to our young children when they are grown.
As we are weathering this current worldwide tsunami, how can we achieve and ensure we emerge on the other side whole, intact, wiser and humbled? The following are five ideas:
1. Do daily check-ins with yourself. Ask yourself, where are my thoughts right now? What feelings am I having? How is my body feeling? You can try doing this multiple times a day, and at set times so you remember. For example, before you get out of bed you may want to check in with yourself, then again at lunchtime and again at bedtime before you go to sleep.
2. Notice the small moments of beauty and pleasure in any given moment. They are there, I guarantee you, even in the hard bursts. If you tune in, you will find them. You may even want to write them down so you have a log of all the beautiful moments that are happening in your life right now, alongside the stressful times and feelings.
3. Make the most of your down-time. Read that book you’ve had on your night table for months. Learn something new. By doing this, not only will you have tangible evidence that you grew during this experience, but you will be developing a sense of mastery. Building skill and knowledge in a specific area of interest is a wonderful way of coping with stress and uncertainty.
4. Keep a journal or a scrapbook of this time. At the end of the week, or at the end of the day, write down stories of your own strength. How you have adapted? How you have been flexible? How have you dealt with challenges that came up? What did you struggle with? How did you show up for yourself and your feelings? This can act as an archive of stories of your bravery as you lived through COVID-19. A client of mine told me she was going to start keeping a scrapbook of what it is like living right now- a time capsule of sorts. She is also crafting vision boards in her scrapbook as a way of maintaining the perspective that this will pass and all that she still has to look forward to.
5. Make memories. A teenage client of mine shared that she and her sibling had a mud fight with each other outside, for fun. We laughed at the silliness of this act, and reflected that if she wasn’t “stuck at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do” she would never have entertained such an activity, with her younger brother no less. But out of their shared boredom, this idea was born, and now they have a great memory that they will surely talk about as adults. Think about making memories, solo, or with your family. Be playful and silly with each other and yourself. Doing so will allow you to look upon this time with some wistful nostalgia when it’s all done.
When this uncertain and in many ways painful chapter is over, you will be the historian of your life during COVID-19. What can you do right now so that when it is a memory, you will recall the elements of pain and suffering, but also those of profundity and gratitude, knowing you were awake, alive, and positively changed by this episode of your life?
Leah Katz Ph.D. Here We Are Why I Broke Up with My Scale
Research suggests that as much as 80% of women struggle with poor body image, and 70% of women who are at healthy weights want to be thinner. Body image trouble can lead to a host of other difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.
In my clinical practice, I see repeatedly how harsh many of the women and teenagers I work with are with their bodies, but this article is about my own journey with body image and weight. I always assumed I had a sound body image.I felt good about myself, kept active, and maintained a healthy BMI. I knew several family members and friends who suffered from different forms of eating disorders, and I felt grateful to have fallen on the other side of the fence, having not developed one myself.
However, I had a rude awakening about how harsh my own thoughts could be towards my body while I was on my first ever meditation retreat a few years ago. Although I didn’t have any observable signs of poor body image, I carried an overwhelming amount of discreet negative thoughts directed at my appearance.
I noticed the onslaught of negative thinking I had in response to walking past a mirror. I didn’t focus on my face, my eyes, or my smile, and instead got so picky with myself. Why do I have pimples and the start of wrinkles at 30? Oh my, when did my thighs get so huge? I really shouldn’t have worn those leggings. I need to start eating less. And these thoughts were happening with alarming frequency in the brain of a woman who had always assumed she felt great in her body.
Practicing mindfulness helped me shift my relationship to these painful thoughts. I started to notice them as they occurred. Instead of automatically believing them, as I had been doing for years, I learned to recognize them for what they were: sad thoughts cultivated through years of exposure to unhealthy messages about my weight and body. Not the truths I had come to understand them to be.With this shift in my awareness, now when these thoughts appeared, I would notice them, gently let them pass, like clouds in the sky, instead of following them down a rabbit hole of other thoughts and feelings that left me feeling disconnected and upset with my body.I cultivated a greater sense of gratitude for the miraculous body I was given and developed awe for what was happening within and beneath my skin. I began to observe my body in motion- grateful for the simple (or not so simple) acts of being able to walk, run, stretch. I was gentler with how I handled my physical self in such acts as applying moisturizer to my face. I focused on being healthy rather than ‘skinny.’ I looked deeply into my own eyes (on occasion) and affirmed how much I loved myself.All of these practices are beautiful and helped to a great extent. I gained tremendous self-awareness of the degree of negative chatter occurring in my mind about my physical appearance and learned to both detach from the thoughts and create healthier, more gratitude-based thinking about my body- both the external and internal aspects.But curating positive thoughts without action has its limitations. Though I was learning to observe my thoughts instead of being swept away by them, I was still having them. A lot. Much of the perpetuation of these thoughts had to do with a pesky little device that lay in the corner of my bathroom. You got it. My scale.
You see, when we invest energy in practicing mindfulness and self-development, yet still engage in unhealthy behavioral rituals (for me, weighing myself daily), then we are still reinforcing old, unhealthy beliefs. In my case, these beliefs were the overemphasis of my weight, and what I interpreted this to mean about myself.
And then came a point not that long ago where I had had enough. It was time to take action against these uncomfortable judgments. At that time, my daughter was 4 and I didn’t want to perpetuate the culture of poor body image that I had grown up with. I didn’t want her to have a mother who would weigh herself and then mutter something rude to herself about that number. (Even though she had never actually witnessed this, children pick up on subliminal things.) I needed to take steps to develop a truly loving, respectful relationship with my body.
For my sake, and for hers, I decided it was time I broke up with my scale.Now for full transparency, we actually broke up once, got back together briefly, and then had a final breakup. The first time we broke up, I must admit, I asked my husband to take the scale away. Hide it from me so I wouldn’t be tempted to sneak in a visit. And he obliged, put it away in what he thought was a clever hiding space.That worked for a few days. Then I noticed the creeping curiosity slink in and trick me with its masked logic. What did I weigh? My pesky thoughts would say. Is having my scale away affecting my weight at all? As a researcher, shouldn’t I have access to this data? (Did you catch that irony there?) And so, I’m embarrassed to say, I searched and found it, took it back out in its grey metallic glory, and resumed my daily habit.
I quickly caught my lapse, and this time, put the scale away myself. I didn’t need fancy tricks or someone else to take responsibility for getting me to get healthier with my body. No. That obligation fell squarely on my shoulders. If I was going to learn to feel better about myself, that duty was mine and mine alone. So, away the scale went.
Not weighing myself was not a magical fix. But, I noticed a lightness, a freeness. I no longer engaged in the daily judgment or self-flagellation that came with gaining a pound (or conversely, the celebratory feelings of accomplishment when I had lost a pound). I enjoyed my food more because I wasn’t thinking in the back of my mind about how what I was eating would affect my weight- because I knew I wouldn’t be hopping on the scale the next morning. It was easier to slow down and savor what was going in my mouth because I was limiting the immediate association I had formed between what I ate and my weight.When I ate, I asked myself more often, what is my body craving, and learned to pay better attention to my cues when I was full. I noticed I really didn’t feel that good when I ate late at night, and would try and curb that impulse- not because I was afraid of what the scale would say, but because I was tuning in to what my body was saying. I began to pay attention to my body and trust it in a way that the flashing number only diminished.
With the scale away, the mindless, daily act of weighing myself is no longer an option. When I feel the urge, I work through it with counteracting worry thoughts with healthier, grounded ones. I remind myself that my self-worth, and physical health for that matter, go far deeper than the number on any scale. I remind myself that I am keeping myself healthy with eating well, physical exercise and meditation, which are better indicators of health than weight. (Of course, check in with your medical provider if there is a medical reason for keeping your scale around).
If you feel weighted down by your scale (pun intended), and think a break up may be helpful, try doing it this way: Thank the scale for whatever it has offered you. Then recognize it for what is: a mechanical device designed to give you a number. Nothing more, nothing less. Reassure yourself that you are capable of taking it from here as you focus on building a stronger, healthier relationship with your body. And then, set the scale aside, and allow yourself to feel lighter and more empowered as you step into greater self-worth.
The Dos and Don'ts of Parenting Your Child Through COVID-19
How to emotionally support your anxious child through this health scare.
Anxiety over the coronavirus (COVID-19) has been steadily building these last several weeks. Many of you have likely lived through other global health scares before. Swine Flu (remember H1N1?), West Nile Virus, SARS, and Ebola are some of the few that come to my mind.Having experienced other large-scale health concerns may serve as reassurance that these alarms come to pass. You can tell yourself, remember when that last alarm happened? It passed; it was scary, and we were ultimately OK. We can also use our prior knowledge of the media’s tendency towards dramatizations and challenge the hysteria the media promulgates in much of the coverage they provide on pressing issues. In this case, their reportage of COVID-19.
Generally, past experiences provide a logical counter-balance to new anxieties that arise over fresh situations. However, while you may be familiar with the apprehension surrounding a health or catastrophic event and use past events to challenge your current fears, your children don’t have this same history and frame of reference. That makes it a different, scarier experience for them. Add in a child with preexisting anxiety, and you have a recipe for one extremely anxious child. Their life may be disrupted because of this scare: Sleep disturbances, diminished school attendance, and preoccupations with getting sick may be some issues you are noticing in your anxious child.
Therefore, it is important all of us parents take a pause and mindfully parent our children through this alarm.In helping our children emotionally through this health scare, the following is a list for parents on the "dos" and "don’ts" of parenting your child through the coronavirus:Do:1. Check your own anxiety. This is a big one. If you are feeling overwhelmingly anxious about the virus and not working through your feelings, this will most certainly rub off on your child.
Talk to someone if you feel anxious. Check your facts. Reframe catastrophic scenarios in your mind. Take deep breaths. But whatever you do, don’t allow your anxiety to fester and ooze. Your child will pick up on it, guaranteed, and this may act as a barrier in them seeing you as a possible support for them if and when they feel anxious
2. Talk with your school-age children (but don’t go overboard). Children, even younger ones, know when something is off. Not talking about what is happening, either because you are feeling anxious or are worried about making them anxious, often backfires and only makes them more worried.Be reassuring. Ask them how they are feeling emotionally and listen to their answers. Don’t brush away what is happening, that they are already aware of, under the carpet.3. Remind them of where their power lies. Often in times of stress that feels beyond our control, we feel powerless, helpless, and like there is nothing we can do to support ourselves. We give up on finding solutions and give in to our anxiety.Remind your children (and yourself, if necessary) that they maintain plenty of power—and where to find it. Their power lies in things like handwashing, not touching their face, not sharing snacks, and using a tissue. There is something both empowering and comforting in learning to find where we can take our own responsibility in a situation where there is much out of our control.
4. Use this as an opportunity to discuss gratitude. For their health, for living in a country where medical help is readily available, for the invention of medicine that can control and treat symptoms.5. Lead by example. If you are asking your children to wash their hands more often or not to touch their faces, try your hardest to practice what you preach. It will give you more empathy around what you are asking them to do, and modeling these behaviors will be your children’s best teacher.
Don’t:1. Have adult conversations about the coronavirus in front of them. Even when you think their attention is otherwise engaged, they are listening. Children are sponges: If they are in the vicinity, they pick up and hear almost anything.I still get a kick out of observing this in my own children. My husband and I can be talking about something mundane and boring, and as soon as we say “ice cream” or “movie,” my children pipe up immediately. Save your conversations—especially the worried ones—for when your children are not present.
2. Go overboard with cleaning. I’ll never forget how the mother of a childhood friend of mine (who, granted, came from a large family) would go overboard each time one of her children got sick—even with the common cold. She would follow them around with disinfectant spray, carry paper towels around with her, and make everyone feel tense and worried. Don’t do this to your children.Do prepare according to CDC guidelines, but make it feel natural and not fatalistic. As you stay on top of your and your children’s hygiene, remind them that regardless of a health outbreak, it is important to keep our hands and surfaces clean.3. Brush your children’s fears away. There is a difference between offering reassurance and being dismissive. An example of a dismissive response would be: What are you afraid of? Things are going to be fine. Reassurance includes both emotional attunement and coaching. It sounds like, I understand you are worried. Can you tell me more about how you are feeling and what you are worried about?
Only after that emotional attunement has happened, offer some reassurance, such as, I see you’re worried. I have seen many other health scares. I know the media tends to make it sound really scary, but it’s usually like that with the news. I have always been fine, and I’m confident we will be fine through this. Know I am here to talk if you are worried.
4. Blindly follow the media hysteria. Do get your facts straight. Do your own research—from reputable sites. Be careful what you read in the news, and how much exposure you’re getting to the scary stuff. Scientifically, this has been shown to affect you. I’ll say it again for emphasis: Get the facts, educate yourself, and allow that to guide you.Copyright: Leah Katz, 2020. This article also appears in the March 18th issue of the Jewish Review.
Building Your Pandemic Toolbox
We are living in times that are rapidly changing, stress-filled, and unpredictable. This may be bringing up anxiety and worry for you. The following are some ideas on coronavirus stress management from three different psychological modalities: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Mindfulness. Understanding different approaches to cope with anxiety may help build a more robust toolbox to deal with your current worries.
In all anxiety management approaches, our work starts with noticing what is transpiring in our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies. Without awareness, we often don’t know that we have work to do, or that there are strategies we can employ to help ourselves. We may take the frazzled way we are feeling for granted and forge on. However, once we tap into awareness, we can make active choices about what we are going to do with those troublesome sensations and thoughts, and begin adaptively coping.
The following is a break-down of what three different psychological schools of thought would say to help mitigate your coronavirus related stress and anxiety:1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). One of the principles of this modality is learning to identify our thoughts, recognize their impact on our emotional response, and then reframe the tricky thinking. By adjusting our thinking, we change our emotional response and the actions that follow.
Anxiety thoughts, by their very definition, are not accurate. They may start with a kernel of truth but then expand into a worry-story that is full of inaccuracies that feel highly believable. Replacing inaccurate thoughts with more accurate ones can be very helpful. This is not about cultivating positive thinking, it’s about accurate thinking.
With anxiety related to COVID-19, you may want to try this: Practice slowing down, isolating the worry thoughts, and "talking back" to them using past evidence, history, and your rational brain.Identify the thought that is worrying you, and use logic and evidence to put it in its place, so to speak.
For example, if you’re thinking is, what happens if we get very sick? Or, what if we run out of supplies? What if society crumbles? Challenge it with more rational thoughts such as, There is a very minimal chance that will happen. Yes, it’s a possibility, but it’s not a probability. I can’t live in the realm of possibility — because anything is possible, always. I choose to live with probability, which is the more likely scenario. I am resilient and can deal with hardship that comes my way [and this is how…]. I’ve dealt with difficulties in the past. I can’t control the future. All I can do is meet myself at this moment and ask myself the question, what do I need to do right now?
2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This form of therapy is about learning to accept our thoughts and emotions, and regardless of what is happening in our noggin, committing to meaningful actions. Here, instead of challenging the thoughts, as we do in CBT, we notice them, watch them, and let them go so that they don’t act as a barrier in pursuing your goals.
This form of therapy emphasizes shifting our relationship to our thinking so that we become the observer of our thoughts, recognize they are just thoughts, and gently set them aside as we pursue our life and dreams.An analogy I like is that of a bus or a car: You are in the driver’s seat of your life, driving yourself to the places that you want to go to, together with your passengers — your thoughts and your feelings — whatever they might be. You are not being driven around and being told what you can or cannot do by your thoughts or emotions.Another popular analogy for ACT work is to learn to watch your thoughts come and go like the clouds in the sky. You are not the cloud, nor are you on the cloud. You are lying flat on your back, watching the clouds (thoughts) come and go.With our current worry surrounding COVID-19, an ACT approach would be to observe your thoughts. Remind yourself that they are just thoughts and allow them to be. Don’t fight them or get swept away by them. Ground yourself in your personal values: the actions/mindsets that provide you with meaning.
When you have stress-related thoughts about the coronavirus, you may want to try saying, Oh hello, thoughts. Come on in. You can come with me today as I do X if you’d like. I will not allow you to dictate what I do or don’t do with my life. Practically, this might look like coming up with a daily list of activities that you can do from home that give you a sense of value. One client said she came up with a quarantine "bucket list" of sorts — things she has been wanting to do for a while that she finally has time for.
Doing these value-driven tasks regardless of what thoughts you are having may be helpful in weathering this storm. Some ideas might be: texting a friend, doing something kind for someone, cleaning a space in your house, being creative with music or art. Identify what gives you meaning, chunk it into attainable goals, and stay connected to those things.
3. Mindfulness is learning to cultivate a gentle, non-judging awareness to what is unfolding within, moment to moment. It is different than the ACT approach in a fundamental way. Whereas ACT is a cognitive strategy where we use metaphors to learn to watch our thoughts, mindfulness doesn’t use metaphors. At its core, this practice is about creating non-judging awareness. It is being present for whatever is unfolding within you moment by moment, noticing where your mind is, and shifting your attention back to one of your five senses or your breath.
To help with the anxiety of the coronavirus, a mindfulness approach might involve noticing the thought, creating space for it, and kindly bringing your attention back to one of your five senses or your breathing. Your breath can serve as a wonderful anchor to come back to when you notice your mind going off to anxious places.
When you notice yourself having a worry thought, you might want to say, thank you for that, mind, and then notice other sensations you are having at that moment: your breathing, what sounds your ears pick up, feeling your feet on the ground, or the sensations in your hands.4. Self-Care. This isn’t its own modality per se but is a foundation from where we use all the skills discussed above. Practicing self-care is fundamental to psychological health and wellbeing.
Self-care is nurturing yourself. It is also staying tethered to preventative strategies such as exercise, eating healthfully, and getting enough sleep. When we do the things that take care of our souls- and our bodies- we are practicing self-care.Unfortunately, self-care is often one of the first things to go during times of stress. The irony is that while self-care is always important, it becomes even more so during hardship. Why? It’s how we prevent depletion and exhaustion and sustain ourselves to weather the stress. Right now, you may want to pay extra attention to how you are caring for yourself and be creative and committed to making this happen.
Try making a list of things that recharge you, a menu of sorts, and choose from them and practice them daily. Get outside (this has been scientifically shown to lower anxiety), even in your own backyard. Move your body. Talk to comforting friends and family. Meditate. Listen to music that lifts your mood. Lose yourself in a hobby. Find your anchors, and allow them to ground you, keep you steady in these difficult times.
As it is in therapy, there is no one size fits all when it comes to skills and tools. Perhaps try these different skills as you confront the unfolding stress of the times, and see what works for you. Experimenting with different coping strategies may lead to increased self-awareness and feelings of empowerment, reinforcing that you have the ability to help yourself through these difficult times.